Child custody mediation and parenting plans: how it works

Child custody mediation is a meeting where a neutral person, the mediator, helps parents build a parenting plan: a written plan for when the children are with each parent and how the parents will make decisions about them. The mediator does not decide anything. The parents do, and a judge usually reviews the final plan. When mediation is required, and what a plan must include, depend on your state's rules.

What custody mediation is

Mediation is a structured conversation. The mediator keeps it on track, makes sure each parent gets heard, and helps you turn ideas into specific terms. Idaho's family rule is a good plain description. It says the mediator's role is to help the parties identify issues, reduce misunderstandings, clarify priorities, explore areas of compromise, and find points of agreement, and that any agreement is "based on the decisions of the parties, not the decisions of the mediator."¹

Mediation can happen before a case is filed, while a case is open, or after a judgment when parents want to change a plan. Some parents choose it. Others are sent by a judge.

The words change from state to state

People say "custody," but court papers often use other terms:

• Idaho rules refer to "custody or parenting time."²
• Florida law uses "parental responsibility" for decisions and a "time-sharing schedule" for when the child is with each parent.³
• Texas law describes an agreed parenting plan with provisions for "conservatorship and possession of the child."⁴

The ideas are similar even when the words differ. Rules vary by state. See how mediation works in your state →

What a parenting plan usually covers

Most parenting plans answer the same basic questions. A plan built in mediation might cover:

• The regular schedule. Which days and nights the children spend with each parent during the school year.
• Holidays and breaks. Birthdays, major holidays, school breaks, and summer, and which schedule wins when they overlap.
• Decision-making. How parents will make major decisions about school, health care, and religion. Some plans share every decision. Others give one parent the final say in a specific area after talking it over.
• School. Which school the children attend, who handles enrollment, and how both parents get report cards and notices.
• Health care. Who schedules appointments, how emergencies are handled, and how both parents stay informed.
• Exchanges and travel. Where and when the children move between homes, who drives, and what happens if someone is late.
• Communication. How the children can call or video chat with the other parent, and how parents will talk to each other.
• Activities and child care. How activities are chosen and paid for, and who provides child care.
• Moving. What happens if a parent wants to move farther away.
• Future disagreements. A plan for resolving disputes, such as returning to mediation before going back to court.

Some states set minimum contents by law. Florida is one example. A Florida court-approved parenting plan must, at a minimum, describe how parents will share daily tasks, include a time-sharing schedule, say who is responsible for health care, school matters, and other activities, describe how parents will communicate with the child, and, unless both parents agree otherwise in writing, name locations for exchanging the child.³ Check your state's rules or court forms before you finalize anything.

Keeping the focus on the children

A parenting plan is about your children's daily lives, so build it around them. Before mediation, think about:

• each child's age, routine, and school schedule
• activities, friendships, and anything your child looks forward to each week
• how long the drive is between homes and to school
• special needs, health issues, or therapy appointments
• how the plan should change as your children get older

Courts use a "best interests of the child" standard when deciding parenting issues. Texas law, for example, says "the best interest of the child shall always be the primary consideration" in deciding conservatorship and possession.⁵ Idaho law lists factors a judge may weigh in a divorce. They include the parents' wishes, the child's wishes, the child's relationships with parents and siblings, the child's adjustment to home, school, and community, the need for continuity and stability, and domestic violence.⁶ Knowing your state's factors helps you explain why a proposal works for your child.

How the mediator helps you build the plan

Every mediator works a little differently, but a session often goes like this:

1. Opening. The mediator explains the process, the ground rules, and how confidentiality works.
2. Listing the issues. You agree on what needs to be decided, such as the school-year schedule, holidays, and decision-making.
3. Sharing information. Each parent explains what matters to them and why.
4. Building options. The mediator helps you brainstorm schedules and test them against real life, such as a work shift or a soccer season.
5. Private meetings. The mediator may meet with each parent separately, often called a caucus.
6. Writing it down. Points of agreement are written up so everyone reads them the same way.

Some states spell out parts of this. In Idaho, the mediator must explain at the start when they will meet alone with either party, must advise the parties to seek independent legal advice, and must tell them that any agreement must be submitted to the court for review and approval. If the parties agree on any issue, the mediator must put it in writing and give the parties or their lawyers a copy.⁷

After you agree

Agreeing in mediation is often not the last step. The agreement may need to be filed with the court and approved by a judge, as Idaho's rule requires mediators to explain.⁷ In Texas, if the court finds an agreed parenting plan is in the child's best interest, it enters an order that follows the plan. If not, the court may ask the parents for a revised plan.⁴ Have a lawyer review the agreement before you sign if you can.

If you only agree on some issues, write those down. The judge can then focus on what is left. See what happens if mediation fails.

Safety comes first

If there has been abuse, violence, threats, or control in your relationship, tell the mediator and the court before mediation starts. Many states have special rules for these cases. In Texas, for example, a parent may file a written objection to mediation on the basis of family violence. If mediation goes forward anyway, the order must provide that the parties do not have face-to-face contact and are placed in separate rooms.⁸ Idaho judges may order a screening to assess whether parents are appropriate for mediation, and the screening looks at issues such as domestic violence.⁹ For more, see when divorce mediation is not recommended.

To get ready for the session, see how to prepare for divorce mediation and what not to say in custody mediation. When you are ready, browse mediators by state, starting with Florida, or get matched.

This is general information, not legal advice.