How do I prepare for divorce mediation?

To prepare for divorce mediation, do five things: read any court order or notice about your mediation, gather your financial papers, decide what matters most to you on each issue, sketch a parenting plan if you have children, and write down questions for a lawyer. If there's been abuse or you feel unsafe, tell the mediator and the court before the first session. Good preparation won't guarantee an agreement, but it makes each session more productive.

This is general information, not legal advice. Rules vary by state. See how mediation works in your state →

Step 1: Read your order, notice, or mediator's paperwork

If a judge sent your case to mediation, read the order closely. It may say when the session must happen, who must attend, whether it is in person or online, and how the mediator is paid. Local courts can add their own requirements, so don't assume a friend's experience in another county applies to you.

If you chose mediation yourselves, the mediator will usually send an agreement to mediate or an intake form. Read it before you sign. Look for:

• the hourly or session fee, and how it is split between you
• cancellation and rescheduling terms
• what the mediator will keep confidential, and what they won't
• whether the mediator will write up any agreement you reach

Some states set these rules in writing. For example, Idaho's family rule says a mediator's fees and expenses must be clearly set forth and explained at the initial conference, and that each party pays half unless other arrangements are made or the court orders otherwise.¹

Step 2: Gather your financial documents

You can't split what you can't see. Collect papers for both your income and everything you own or owe, together or separately. A useful starting list:

Income

• recent pay stubs, or other proof of income if you are self-employed
• your last few years of tax returns, with W-2s and 1099s
• records of any other income, such as rental income, bonuses, or benefits

Assets

• checking and savings account statements
• retirement account and pension statements
• investment and brokerage statements, including any cryptocurrency accounts
• the deed and a recent mortgage statement for your home and any other real estate
• vehicle titles and loan balances
• business records, if either of you owns part of a business
• life insurance policies

Debts

• credit card statements
• car loans, student loans, personal loans, and medical bills

Other papers

• any prenuptial or postnuptial agreement
• records showing that an asset was yours before the marriage, or came to you as a gift or inheritance
• any existing court orders about support or the children

If your case is already in court, check whether your state requires specific financial forms or a formal exchange of documents. Some do. Your state's page and your court's self-help site are good places to start.

Make one summary page with your key numbers, and keep the backup papers in a folder. Bring copies for the mediator if asked.

Don't hold back documents hoping that mediation keeps them hidden. Confidentiality rules vary by state, and they don't work that way in every state. In Texas, for example, material used in mediation is still admissible or discoverable if it would be admissible or discoverable independent of the mediation.²

Step 3: Build a budget

A monthly budget shows what you need after the divorce. List your housing, utilities, food, transportation, insurance, child care, health costs, debt payments, and everyday expenses. Do two versions if you can: what you spend now, and what you expect to spend living on your own. This makes talks about support and the house much more concrete.

Step 4: Decide your priorities

List every issue you need to settle. For most couples that includes the home, other property, debts, retirement accounts, support, and, if you have children, a parenting schedule and how you will make decisions about them.

For each issue, write down:

1. what matters most to you, and why
2. what you could live with
3. what you think matters most to your spouse

Knowing the "why" helps the mediator look for options you might not have thought of. For example, someone who wants to keep the house may really want the children to stay in the same school, and there may be more than one way to do that.

Step 5: If you have children, sketch a parenting plan

A parenting plan covers how you will share time and responsibilities. Before mediation, think through:

• a regular weekly schedule that fits both of your work hours
• holidays, birthdays, school breaks, and summer
• how and where the children will be exchanged
• who makes decisions about school, health care, and activities
• how you'll communicate with each other and with the children
• how you'll handle changes or disagreements later

Bring your work schedules and the school calendar so you can test any schedule against real dates. Many states have their own parenting plan forms or requirements, so check your state's page. Our guide to child custody mediation goes deeper, and what not to say in custody mediation covers how to keep the focus on your children.

Step 6: Write down questions for a lawyer

The mediator is neutral and doesn't represent either of you. Some state rules say so directly. Idaho's rule, for example, requires the mediator to be impartial and to advise the parties to seek independent legal counsel before resolving issues and when formalizing an agreement.¹

Questions worth asking a lawyer before or between sessions:

• Which of our assets and debts would the law treat as shared, and which as mine alone?
• How does support work in our state, and what numbers would apply to us?
• What happens once I sign an agreement? Can I change my mind?
• Can you review a draft agreement before I sign it?

That last question matters. In some states a signed mediated agreement can be hard to undo. In Texas, for example, a mediated divorce settlement that meets the statute's requirements is binding, and a party is entitled to a judgment on it.³ See do I need a lawyer for divorce mediation?

Step 7: Plan for safety

If there's abuse or you're afraid, tell the mediator and the court before mediation. Many states have special rules. As one example, in a Texas divorce a spouse can file a written objection to mediation based on family violence by the other spouse. If the case still goes to mediation, the order must provide that the parties not have face-to-face contact and be placed in separate rooms.³ Even where no special rule applies, you can ask the mediator about separate rooms, separate video sessions, or staggered arrival times. See when divorce mediation is not recommended.

Step 8: Get ready for the day

• Logistics. Confirm the time, place or video link, and how long the session is scheduled to last. Test your camera and microphone if it is online.
• Child care. Arrange it ahead of time. Don't bring your children.
• What to bring. Your document folder, summary page, budget, parenting plan notes, a notepad, payment for any fee you owe, water, snacks, and any medicine you need.
• Your mindset. Expect strong feelings. It's fine to ask for a break. Listen for your spouse's reasons, not just their positions. You don't have to agree to anything on the spot.

Rules vary by state

Rules vary by state. See how mediation works in your state → You can browse mediators in Florida, Texas, and Idaho, or get matched.

This is general information, not legal advice.