Divorce mediation checklist: what to do before, during and after

A divorce mediation checklist covers four stages: choosing a mediator, getting ready for the first session, the session itself, and the agreement afterward. The main tasks are reading any court order, gathering financial documents, sketching a parenting plan if you have children, writing down your priorities and questions, and having the final agreement reviewed before you sign.

This is general information, not legal advice. Court requirements vary by state. See how mediation works in your state → Prefer paper? See our free printables.

What should I do before choosing a mediator?

Start by finding out whether a court is involved and what it requires, then compare a few mediators on training, experience, fees and approach. If a court ordered mediation, the order may set a deadline to choose a mediator or require one from the court's own list. Ask each mediator the same questions so you can compare.

• Read any court order or notice about mediation: date, deadline, who attends, how the mediator is chosen and paid
• Check whether your court requires a mediator from its roster
• Look up each mediator on the official roster, if your state has one
• Ask about training, experience, fees, safety screening and confidentiality
• Get the fee terms in writing, including how you'll split the cost

Deadlines can be short. Under Idaho's custody mediation rule, for example, parents have 28 days from the mediation order to choose a mediator before the court appoints one.¹ For a full list, see questions to ask a divorce mediator.

Which financial documents should I gather?

Gather recent statements for everything you own and owe, plus proof of income and a realistic monthly budget. Copy each figure from a dated statement, mark what you don't know yet, and keep everything in one folder you can share. Working from the same numbers keeps the session focused on decisions instead of facts.

• Tax returns for the last few years
• Recent pay stubs and any other income (business, rental, bonuses)
• Bank, investment and retirement account statements
• Mortgage or lease, and any property tax and insurance statements
• Car loans, credit cards, student loans and other debts
• Health, life and car insurance information
• A monthly budget for now and for after you separate

If your case is in court, check whether your state requires specific financial forms or a formal exchange of documents. A checklist doesn't replace them. See how to prepare for divorce mediation.

How should I plan for the children?

Build a draft parenting plan around your children's routines: school, activities, health needs and how they handle transitions. Courts focus on the child. Texas law, for example, says "the best interest of the child shall always be the primary consideration of the court" in custody decisions.² A concrete draft gives the mediator something to work with.

• Each child's school schedule, activities and health needs
• A proposed weekly schedule, plus holidays, school breaks and birthdays
• Who handles health care, school matters and activities
• Where exchanges happen and how the children stay in touch with each parent
• How you'll change the plan as the children grow

Florida's statute lists what a court-approved parenting plan must cover at a minimum, which is a useful outline in any state.³ See how to prepare for custody mediation.

What should I do before the first session?

Raise any safety concerns, learn what stays confidential, and write down your priorities. If there has been abuse or you're afraid of your spouse, tell the court and the mediator before any session. Some states limit or adjust mediation in those cases, and a mediator may be able to meet with you separately.

• Tell the court and the mediator about any abuse, threats or protective orders
• Ask what stays confidential and what the exceptions are
• List your top priorities and where you can be flexible
• Write down your questions for the mediator and for a lawyer
• Decide whether a lawyer will advise you before or between sessions

Florida, for example, bars a court from referring a case to mediation, on a party's request, if a history of domestic violence would compromise the process.⁴ Confidentiality rules vary: Texas makes communications in mediation confidential, with exceptions.⁵ See when divorce mediation is not recommended.

What should I bring on the day?

Bring your documents, your notes and a calendar, and plan to stay for the whole session. Expect the mediator to explain the process first, then to work through the issues one at a time, sometimes meeting with each of you separately. Take breaks when you need them, and don't agree to anything you don't understand.

• Your financial folder and budget
• Your draft parenting plan and calendar
• Your list of priorities and questions
• Water, snacks and anything you need to stay focused
• For online sessions: a private room, a charged device and a backup phone number

What happens with the agreement?

If you reach an agreement, it's written down, reviewed, signed and, in a court case, filed with the court. Read every page first. Some mediated agreements are binding as soon as they're signed, so ask whether yours will be, and consider having your own lawyer review it before you sign.

• Get a written summary of what you agreed
• Ask whether it's binding when signed, and who files it with the court
• Have a lawyer review it if you have questions about your rights
• Note any issues still open, and plan how to resolve them

Idaho's rule requires custody mediators to document any agreement in writing and to advise parents to seek independent legal counsel before resolving issues and when putting an agreement in final form.¹ In Texas, a mediated agreement in a custody case that includes a prominent statement that it is not subject to revocation, and meets the other requirements, is binding on the parties.⁶ See is mediation legally binding?

Compare divorce mediators by state, find a mediator near you, or get matched.