What questions should I ask a divorce mediator?

Before you hire a divorce mediator, ask about their training and whether they're on a court roster, their experience with cases like yours, how they charge, how they stay neutral, how they handle safety concerns, what stays confidential, and whether they'll write up your agreement. Ask every mediator the same questions so you can compare the answers.

This is general information, not legal advice. Rules vary by state. See how mediation works in your state →

Why ask questions before you hire a mediator?

Mediators differ a lot in training, background, fees and style, and many states have no statewide license for private mediators. Courts often have their own rules for the mediators they appoint or list. A short call or email before you hire someone tells you whether they fit your case, your budget and your situation, and helps you avoid surprises later.

Some state rules spell out what a family mediator must explain at the start. Idaho's custody mediation rule is a good model: it requires the mediator to explain the fees and the process before mediation begins.¹ The questions below follow the same topics.

Questions about training and court rosters

• What mediation training have you completed, and for what kinds of cases?
• Are you certified, registered or listed on a court roster for family cases? In which state?
• Do you meet the requirements if our court orders mediation?
• Do you take continuing education?

Check the answers yourself. If your state publishes a roster, look the mediator up there. Florida's Dispute Resolution Center, for example, lets anyone search for a mediator by name, mediator type, circuit or county.² Every MediationList listing links to the official roster it came from. For what certification means, see do I need a mediator certified in my state?

Questions about experience

• How many divorce or custody cases have you mediated?
• Have you worked with issues like ours, such as a family business, retirement accounts, a relocation, or a child with special needs?
• What is your professional background: law, counseling, finance or something else?
• Do you work in person, online, or both?

Questions about fees

• Do you charge by the hour, per session, or a flat fee? What is the rate?
• Is there a retainer, an intake fee, or a separate fee for writing up the agreement?
• How do we split the cost between us?
• What is your cancellation or rescheduling policy?

Get the answers in writing. Idaho's rule, for example, requires a custody mediator's fees and expenses to be "clearly set forth and explained at the initial conference," and says each parent pays half unless they arrange otherwise or the court orders it.¹ For what drives the total, see how much divorce mediation costs.

Questions about neutrality

• Have you ever worked with either of us, or with either of our lawyers?
• Is there anything that could make you seem biased toward one of us?
• If one of us has a lawyer and the other doesn't, how do you handle that?

A mediator should disclose these things on their own. Idaho's rule says the mediator "must be impartial and must advise the parties of any circumstances bearing on possible bias, prejudice, or impartiality."¹ If a lawyer is your mediator, they still act as a neutral and don't represent either of you. See divorce mediation attorneys.

Questions about how sessions work

• How long is a session, and how many sessions do couples usually need with you?
• Will you meet with each of us alone? When, and what happens to what we tell you privately?
• What do we need to bring or send before the first session?
• Can our lawyers attend, or review drafts between sessions?

Idaho's rule lists what a custody mediator must explain before mediation begins, including the difference between mediation and therapy or counseling, when the mediator will meet alone with either party, the confidentiality of the process, and that any agreement must be made with both parties' consent.¹ Those make good questions anywhere.

Questions about safety

• Do you screen for domestic violence or coercion before the first session?
• Can we meet separately, at different times, or online?
• What happens if one of us feels unsafe during a session?

If there has been abuse or you're afraid of your spouse, say so before mediation starts. Some states add protections: in Texas, for example, a parent can file a written objection to custody mediation because of family violence.³ See when divorce mediation is not recommended.

Questions about confidentiality

• What will you keep confidential, and what are the exceptions?
• Can anything we say be used in court later?
• Will you report anything to the judge? What?

The answers depend on state law, court rules and your agreement to mediate. Texas law, for example, makes communications in mediation confidential, but something that is admissible or discoverable on its own can still be used.⁴

Questions about the agreement

• Will you write up what we agree on? In what form?
• Will it be binding when we sign it, or is it a draft for our lawyers?
• Who files it with the court, and does a judge need to approve it?
• Should we each have a lawyer review it before we sign?

The answers matter. In Texas, for example, a mediated settlement agreement in a custody case is binding if it includes a prominent statement that it is not subject to revocation and is signed by the parties and any attorney present.³ Idaho's rule requires mediators to advise parents to seek independent legal counsel before resolving issues and when putting the agreement in final form.¹ See do I need a lawyer for divorce mediation?

What are red flags when choosing a divorce mediator?

Be careful with a mediator who promises a result, seems to side with one spouse, gives one of you legal advice, won't explain fees in writing, or pushes you to sign before you understand the agreement. A mediator's job is to help you both decide, not to decide for you. See what a mediator does.

Prefer paper? Our free printables include a list of questions to ask before hiring a mediator. Compare divorce mediators by state, find a mediator near you, or get matched.